见到Catherine更是开心，不知为什么，只是单单地看着她就开心的想笑。我们早晨参加了一个教会的礼拜，和我们的气氛很不一样，很多爷爷、奶奶，氛围也是慈祥的，在庄重和收敛中结束了礼拜。午饭，辗转周折，终于坐定，泰国菜，还成，有些辣，不过是我可以承受的。喜欢和Catherine聊天，虽然有时很担心她，但她总在我的祷告中，在众人的祷告中，我相信上帝会托住她。目睹与聆听着她如何深刻的经历上帝。那一颦一笑，那双眼睛，那情感和理智，我明明看到耶稣在她的生命中，如此真实地流淌，那生命充满着丰盛的意义，那情感流露着怜悯的爱。我听到，上帝更是透过她对我讲话，她是如此激励我。就是喜欢听她缓缓到来她对生命的参透。

下午，买了生活所需的柴米油盐，装了整整一后备箱，这下，大半年不用愁吃饭问题了。关了太久，小冲动一把，花了钱，觉得真是舒服。

上周没有去教会，加到大家，都在问跑哪儿去了。像是远行回到家中，家人问候，突然觉得不必让自己那么累，家嘛，就是放松的地方。上帝知道。他的同在在我们的歌声中被高举。He is way enough. I just need to give what I have got. Jesus is enough! Receiving and giving, that is it. I don’t necessary be a people pleaser; I don’t necessary flee from people; I don’t necessary try to weigh selfishness or love.

The greater things yet to come, and greater things are to be done in this city.

I believe, Father. There is no one like our God.

在外面晒了一天，整个人都不一样了！对啊，这才是我啊，一个爱生命、爱大自然、爱笑、大条、不拘小节、臭美、健谈却又可以安静、爱疯、爱玩的我啊！

There has been too much this past year. I wanna quit. I feel weak. Every time encounter with huge pressure from study, I just can’t bear the burden. I wanna flee. I never ever feel belonging in the world. I feel like I never belong to this world. I wanna leave. The calling of death I never seemingly get rid of. The carving for death seems rooted in my soul. The reason why I live is just for my family. I owe them too much. I myself still can smell the lure of death.  I strongly wish I could sleep till I will never wake up.

I always feel there seems a beast in my body. I can keep it in the cage for a while, but regularly, it roars to me to set it free. The intense I need to release.

For several days, I refused to come to God, talk and listen to Him. I just wanna leave, leave this world forever, thinking nothing.  I know I cannot get rid of His authority and love. When I again opened the Bible, He spoke to me He knows I am in a foreign land being a stranger, He showed me His mighty love and promise. And command me to keep close to those women, his servants until they have finished all His harvest (Ruth 2: 21-23). He commands me love the strangers for I know the heart of strangers, for I am a stranger in this land.

I tried to wrestle with God, but I know from Moses to Jonah, no one could defeat God’s will.

But God loves me so. These days, in the morning, I read Bible and prayed. While have breakfast, I read testimonies of many life-changed Christians. God’s presence make me knee down to pray to Him. He told me: “In returning and rest you shall be saved; in quietness and in trust shall be your strength. But you refused and said: ‘no! we will flee upon horses’—therefore you shall flee! And, we will ride upon swift steeds—therefore your pursuers shall be swift!” (Isaiah30:15-16).

I know “where can I go from your spirit? Or where can I flee from your presence? If I ascend to heaven, you are there; if I make my bed in Sheol, you are there. If I take the wings of the morning and settle at the farthest limits of the sea, even there your hand shall lead me, and your right hand shall hold me fast.”(PSALMS 138: 7-10)

pray that I confess my sin, no longer dwell in the bitterness, hatred and fear. Let God dominate my life. Pray that God will take control my life and cleanse my heart and soul. Let no room for evil and selfishness. I do wanna get rid of this circle being desperate. I wanna get rid of the voice of death.  I wanna end this torment.

I don’t know. I am in chaos. I need Him.

I just came back from KLMS. It was awesome. God was speaking to me through the class. I know my problem is not receiving His love constantly while I give out then I will feel burn out. I have tried to balance love and selfishness, but don’t know what I need to balance is giving love and receiving love. Well, I still need to deal with the fear and bitterness. The calling from God for me sometimes terrifies me. I pray that I will get rid of lasting struggle in my life. I am weary of being in the circle of darkness.

忙碌的生活随着新学期的开始渐渐浮现。连着几周的周末都离开城市，到大自然当中沉淀。生活和未来似乎渐渐展开。

片段。。。

面对群山，壮观连绵向远处延伸，面前的湖水清澈，在阳光下闪耀如宝石，那绿翡翠般的明净令人屏息。我面对着如如画般的风景，融化在美妙的大自然当中，情不自禁的跪在沙滩上，情不自禁的赞美与感谢。

我们围绕在篝火旁，谈笑，聆听，我感激涕零。在大洋另一边，我们也曾经在群山中，一处宁静，一群渴慕的年轻生命寻求真理。我无限感激，如此被祝福，被带到另一个国度，更是有这样珍贵的机会接受真理的装备。

很多人，新一届的学生非常可爱，单纯的心令我忍不住的想爱她们，了解她们。我们在Ferry 上拍照；我们在暴雨中游泳，划水；我们在小镇享受新鲜的三文鱼和年轻的乐队表演；我们在养有山羊房顶的市场闲逛；我们在房间里玩游戏；我们惊讶于可爱爸爸的魔术表演；我们在繁星下享受温泉。美好的生命令一个周末变的如此难忘，令人回味。

学校，最有一个学期，最后的论文，压力挺大，可我还是想圆满画上句号。一年半的时间很快，丰富的令我目不暇接，还是要想想，总结，我究竟学到了什么，怎样的成长。